22:23
i made this website today. it's nice to have somewhere to write things down. part of me feels sad i have no one i can talk to about this, but another part of me knows i'll be able to leave soon anyway. i don't plan on staying here. i'm not sure exactly how i'll leave, but i will. i'm not tied to this world, i know i'm not. when the time comes i'll leave. i'm looking forward to it.
i wish i could feel secure in any way. i kind of wish someone from my home was here with me, trapped like i am. but i wouldn't wish this on anyone. not this pain. but i miss them. i'll go home, i know i will. but waiting is agonizing. i need to keep taking initiative. i need to keep trying.
i'm tired of this. i'm so tired of this. this world is wonderful in it's own way, i don't hold anything against the people here. there is love here, i have seen it. but i don't belong here. there are things i've seen that i never should have. when i go home, i won't remember those bad things. this will all just seem like a vague nightmare i can barely remember. he'll hug me and tell me "it's okay ! it was just a bad dream !". they'll help me feel better. and then, just as quickly as i felt sad, i'll be happy again. and things will be okay.
it's cold today. this blanket isn't helping much. maybe i'll go to bed soon.
22:30
i kind of want to add pictures around the pages, even if it's just to practice html, but i'm not too sure what i'd put there. i'm sure i'll think of something.
22:33
i need to stop making so many plans for this world. it's pointless. i'm miserable here. i can't give into it. i can't give up. i am not who you think i am. i will not let you make me pretend.
23:01
i want to remember. i want to remember. i want to remember. at least let me dream of home and comfort. give me a moment of peace. let me remember. let me go home. i will go home. i will go home. i will leave.
23:23
i feel bad, really. i don't feel connected to anyone here. it's not a problem with them and it's not a flaw of mine. i just don't think i can feel those things, at least not here. it's painful. friendship is one of the things i love the most. but i have no energy or drive for it here. i've tried, i've tried so hard for as long as i've been here, but people here make me feel nothing. after spending time with people i just feel dread that i'm not home. it's all wrong. i want to be back home, or at least myself. being myself instead of whatever i've become here in this body i'm trapped in would be the bare minimum. but i suppose complaining about it won't help, either. there's nothing wrong with these people, they're wonderful. they're wonderful and i want to feel close to them. but no matter what i do or how close they feel to me, i can never reciprocate it. i'm sorry i can't care for you in a way that matters.