10/02/2024

13:09

i don't get why the urge never goes away. it's always there. it feels like it's all we're thinking about now we're home. we want to cut. i don't get why. why do we want this ? it hurts, it's horrible, blood gets everywhere, it's unnatural. so why, on a nice enough day with the birds singing outside, do we keep thinking it's the perfect day to run to the woods and cut ? why ? why can't we want to go for a picnic or invite a friend over ? why do we have no motivation for anything else ? why do we either want to stay inside or cut open our skin ? this isn't natural. the urge won't go away. maybe we do need to go somewhere so they could make us stop. our mam is scared. she said we terrified her. she's worried we're going to kill ourselves. i'm sorry that she's probably right. she keeps asking us to stop but we don't know how. we don't feel like we have a reason to, even if we don't want to cut. we want to stop but we keep going. i don't get why. i don't get why. i don't get why we do this. i don't get it. it hurts. we keep getting worse. we keep cutting deeper. the pain is starting to feel less and less intense. we're starting to go numb to it. i don't know how we could ever get better. we want to get better but we want to cut. i feel like we'll cut again today. there'll be blood everywhere again and we'll need new bandages. maybe we'll go deep enough to need stitches. maybe they'll give up on us. i hope they don't. if they don't stop us no one will.

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