02/01/2024
14:09
it's the new year now. that's fun, i think. i've been here for a while. almost two whole years ! that's not fun. it's been slow. you never get used to being trapped in a body that's not yours. i'm not really sure how to feel today.
we're going on a vacation soon. that's good. there's some parts we're not looking forward to, but oh well. i think we'll leave after this, or at least i will. i don't want to say we'll commit yet because that decision feels premature. if they deny us antideperessants for whatever reason or insist i stop believing what i am then maybe it could be a good choice, but i think this body should hold on for a bit longer, at least. there's plenty of time in the future to commit, we will one day. there's no real hope for us here. we just need to keep living on for a bit longer. if nothing else, for the sake of art.
i feel a little angry today. our mood is all over the place today, though, so i'm trying to ignore most of what we think. i'm not sure why i'm angry. maybe it's that i've held myself here for so long. i need to get myself together so i can leave. almost two years is two years too many. whatever job i was brought here for i've obviously grown out of, so why keep me here ? the only answer i can think of is that i'm holding myself back. i need to remind myself how things are. i need to leave. it's not even just about going home anymore. i just want to be anywhere but here.
14:18
i think one of the biggest problems with starting therapy again, or even our future antidepressant assessment, is that they generally expect you to have the base idea of "i'm a human and i belong here". i don't have that is the problem. and i'm not looking forward to how they'll adress that if i haven't left by then. i understand it's their job, but i'm not exactly going to just give up and live here because they don't believe me. though, it'll be difficult to tell them to begin with. but we'll have to, since our situation is different. my situation is different. in our initial assessment not too long ago they didn't understand our situation, and it made them struggle to figure out how we felt. they kept saying things that were so frustrating because they just weren't right. i'm not looking forward to having a medical proffessional tell me "you need to learn to live here" if they don't tell me i'm completely delusional. not that i'd listen to them anyway. i know who i am. i feel so terrible feeling bitter. i'm not like this. i'm not like this. i'm sorry. i'm not like this. i'm sorry. this isn't how i'm meant to be. i want to go home. i'm sorry.
22:18
i'm so isolated. alone. no one can see me. it sort of clicks in every once in a while how alone i am. there's nowhere for me to go. no one to listen. what should i even do ? i scream and i scream and the only people that hear me refuse to answer. i beg for help and yet here i am. waiting. someone has to be reading this. at least one person, i think. what do you think of me ? do you think i'm delusional too ? do you understand me ? will you forget me before long ? i know you'll only answer in your head. i guess i don't blame you. they do tell you not to talk to strangers. but if you can think of me, please let the me in your thoughts have a happy ending. imagine me going home. then at least one person will be on my side. maybe that'll be enough. at least i won't be as alone then, even if you don't tell me. i just wish someone would answer me even if i'm just talking to myself. i'm so alone here. it feels painful.
22:56
we haven't talked to our friends in a while. we don't really have the energy. they're not overbearing or anything, we're just not doing too well. i hope they're not upset. a couple of them have messaged us and we haven't replied. we're just too tired. we keep feeling more and more exhausted. i used to post on social media a while ago, but then that stopped, and now we barely message anyone. we wake up and we pass the time and we sleep again and every night i hope i won't wake up here. i don't belong here. i hope with all of my heart that things go well for this world but i don't belong here. i want to go home.
22:59
i miss him.