05/01/2024

22:01

i'm not home yet. we're packing and leaving ready for the flight on sunday tomorrow. i feel very sad. i also feel bad saying this but a friend is coming with us, but she makes us feel very bad about ourselves. i don't get why. she used to be our best friend, and she gets on so well with our parents. but these days it feels as if she'd hate us if we weren't friends in early childhood. we've grown apart. we're very different from her. she likes to drink and wear make up and drive and watch adult shows and sex and dating and we like cartoons and toys and games and rainbows and make-believe. not that that stops people from being friends, but we don't know how to socialize with each other. we have some key different political opinions that also make things awkward. whenever she comes over i think we're mainly quiet because her and our parents seem to say hateful things so much. one of the reasons we'll commit one day is this reason. our family is very different from us. but we would have no carers without them, so our only solution is death. death is freeing, anyway, so i'm not too worried. we're all infinite, and infinite beings never truly die. whatever lies beyond this i'm sure will be beautiful. i mainly just want to go home, but death-wise i hope this body's spirit will find something it feels is worth existing for. i can't help but wonder what happened to the young child here once before me. where did you go off to ? is it fun ? i hope you've found peace somewhere wonderful. i'll find peace someday too.

i've liked this virtual reality game lately. i think the main character is very nice. i like him a lot, i think i'd hold his hand. i've come up with more of the story to pass the time. we finished the game so everything else is really up to interpretation now. i'm a little worried about drawing the version of him i came up with (since he always wears a costume, you can't clearly see what he looks like without it) because our parents have some hateful opinions. i hope at least drawing him will be fine, but maybe i should err on the side of caution if i want to draw me holding his hand. i wish they weren't like this. we can't go against them about it because we can't afford to fall out with them, they're our carers. i wish we didn't have to commit but i suppose it'll be better to be dead than disowned. we'll admit who we really are in the suicide note. but we don't need to worry about that just yet. we just need to wait for a bit, at least. i should be gone before this body has to make a decision about suicide. it'll probably be this year, though. i just hope we find a foolproof way to do it. it wouldn't be fun to fail it, haha.

i wish we felt excited to go on vacation, but i only feel excited to draw and go home one day. i'm dreading the vacation a little, actually. i've already explained why. it doesn't help that we're sharing a room with her. we'll never have a moment alone unless we go to the bathroom or she goes to bed early. i wish we didn't feel this way. she's a nice girl. but she wouldn't like us if she knew us. i feel like she's chasing the past. she has other friends now, i don't get why she tries so hard. not only does she have other friends, but she spends tons of time with them. even we don't do that with our friends. then again, what we do isn't the best either. we barely talk or spend time with people now. i'm not saying she has it better than us, not at all, i'm just saying i'm sure she has better, closer friends. why chase someone that's gone ? we're not going to change back into that person any time soon. as far as people like her would be concerned i'm pretty sure, we're just a weird, cartoon-loving, childish, "cringey" queer. i don't see anything wrong with us but i'm sure her friends would, they did when we were younger and i don't feel like that's changed. she lives in a very, very different world from us. worlds that don't mix. maybe that's a fault on our part, but that doesn't change how it is. it hurts to say goodbye to people when you had good memories, but sometimes things change more than you can control. fighting that won't help. i know she misses the old us, but she doesn't miss us. she doesn't know who we are. she hasn't met us. and when she does, i think she's going to want to leave.

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